Over the last few weeks, I’ve experienced what I (and the professionals I work with) would call a “relapse” in my healing journey. I’ve had almost daily panic attacks, struggled to get out of bed and perform basic tasks some days, found myself emotionally frozen and numb, and had trouble regulating my stress levels and heart rate. It’s been humbling and eye opening but mostly…. It’s been frustating.
Why?
Because I’ve been here before. Many times. In my chaotic first year of marriage, in seasons of infertility and miscarriage and grief, during times of great culture stress and anxiety after we moved to Rwanda. I know these seasons of instability and depression and lack of motivation and poor executive function well. I just never thought I’d be back here.
After hitting a breaking point with culture stress about 3 years into living in Rwanda, my family and I went all in to address the underlying issues and bring healing and coping skills where needed. We did multiple counseling intensives, I did a few sessions of EMDR therapy (game changer for trauma recovery, IMO), and changed a lot of things within our lifestyle that were contributing to my daily stress and making it difficult for me to feel healthy and sane. And by God’s grace, it really did work. Sure, there hav e been hard stretches, but for the better part of 4 years, I really have felt healthy and peaceful and joyful since 2019. I put in the work, and I reaped the benefits.
Given this intense season of work and healing, and the ongoing “maintenance work” of counseling and self care and coping in the meantime, it’s been really disheartening for me to find myself back in a similar situation yet again. Self help tells us that we are always continuing to better ourselves, gaining more skills. Christianity tells us that we are constantly being formed to be more and more like Christ. And yet, reality (and mental health education) tell us that relapse like this is incredibly common, even if there is no new trauma present. But especially if there is new trauma present.
And for me, that was the case. A handful of traumatic incidents in Jan/Feb basically caused my body to go into full-on life preservation mode and I just shut down. I’ve had way, way too much on my plate, too. Things I felt like I couldn’t delegate or outsource. So, despite my years of therapy and plethora of tools and coping skills and fantastic network of support, I fell apart and it was ugly.
As I’ve focused on recovery these last few weeks, I’ve found that my overwhelming emotion is this frustration. Why am I back here? Why am I doing this again? How many times am I going to have to fight for my peace and joy?
I told this to my therapist a few days ago- a new therapist, which is a journey in itself- and she responded quickly and firmly: “Karli, healing isn’t linear. It twists and turns and returns to the same places for another look and sometimes you feel like you’re going the wrong direction. But as long as you keep working, keep fighting, keep learning, you’ll get a little better and go a little deeper each time. This is normal. Very, very normal. Don’t beat yourself up for normal.”
It was like she took a weight off of my shoulders. Because I know how to fight and how to get better. I know how to ask for help and delegate and take care of myself in these seasons. I just…didn’t think I should have to do it again? Because I already conquered this, right?But no. This is how it goes.
So I wanted to share this with you today. Not to excuse my absence for the last few weeks, because that’s bound to happen in different seasons. Not to ask for thoughts and prayers. But to remind you- like I needed reminding- that healing is far from linear. It’s messy and confusing and that’s how it works. Keep fighting. Keep working. Keep learning. Keep growing.
Next week, I’ll be back to share a little more in depth about things I’ve been learning and working through, and new skills I’m gleaning from this particular healing journey, especially regarding grief. Grateful to have you with me.
Karli
“…you do not have to find the desert in your life, it normally catches up with you. If we go through this experience involuntarily, then it can be both overwhelming and crushing. If, however, we can accept to undergo this experience voluntarily, then it can prove to be both constructive and liberating.” Richard Rohr
*hugs*
The road of life certainly has many a twist, a turn and even repeated sections to traverse. Thanks for sharing