I’ve been thinking a lot about control lately. What I can control, what I can’t.
My therapist has been working with me on identifying the difference. On one hand, she says. “Proper” control is when we decide to control things, or we have the ability to plan for them and manage them. Within ourselves. On the other hand, “Imperative” control is basically the opposite: things outside of ourselves that have control over us or our circumstances and outcomes. Every situation has elements of both.
This week, I suffered a ruptured ovarian cyst. In 2013, I had a nearly identical set of symptoms but ended up having a 10cm mass encasing my right ovary and Fallopian tube, which had to be surgically removed. I lost half of my reproductive system, a fun surprise for every ultrasound tech I’ve seen since. It was invasive and the recovery was brutal. So when I had the same symptoms last week, I naturally assumed it was the same prognosis- surgery, terrible recovery. But in another country?
Healthcare isn’t the best here, and often involves a lengthy wait time to see the best professionals. Though the excruciating pain happened in the late evening, I decided I was stable enough to wait until morning. A contact was able to get me onto the appointment list for the day for the country’s best GYN, but I still was left waiting to be seen. For 4 hours. This is a long time to spiral.
Specifically, I was left wondering: if this is surgical, will I be comfortable having the surgery here? If not, where will I evacuate to? Will I have my choice, or will I have to go where my insurance dictates? Could I overrule that and go to the US? But I don’t have a care provider there, would it take forever to get surgery? How long could I be away? Can I afford to miss that much time? Will my kids come with me? Or if I stay here to have the surgery, will it be successful? What if I have a complication? What if I die? Surely the risk of death from routine surgery if higher here than the US, isn’t that worth the price of a plane ticket?
All of these joyful thoughts were spinning around my head as I waited in that horrible waiting room for 4 hours. Eventually, on the brink of a panic attack, I told myself “okay. We are going to make a list of the things that are in our control. And make a list of the things that are not. And we’re going to control what we can, and let go of what we can.”
Things in my control: going to see the best doctor in the country. Describing my symptoms well. Advocating for myself. Outsourcing dinner for my family at home. Staying hydrated. Tending to my mental state. Distracting myself with a book.
Not in my control: what was happening in my body. Whatever my diagnoses might be. What my insurance would require of me. What the recovery will be like. How long this damn line will take to finally be seen.
I made these lists and went over them and over them. I told myself “I am doing everything in my power right now, and I am letting go of the rest. I will take those things one at a time as they come, and not get ahead of myself.”
In the end, the diagnosis was best case scenario: the cyst had ruptured (hence my excruciating pain) and would likely heal on its own. But there were a lot of questions and other scenarios that also were very triggering for me. Was it possible I was pregnant? The doctor asked because “from the scans it looked like an ectopic pregnancy.” I’m not and it wasn’t, but even those words are triggering to a woman who has suffered traumatic loss in the past.
I sobbed my way home, an intense emotional let down from the stress of all the questions I had been asking myself. Waves of grief from when I’d experienced things like this before but with different answers, different outcomes.
Again, I brought myself back to the question: what is in my control? What isn’t?
Things not in my control: what the doctor said to me or asked of me, the possibility of a different diagnosis, the triggers my body and brain felt (they are reactions of my nervous system and emotions, not choices within my control), how long it would take my body to heal and what that healing process would dictate, the poor timing of this coinciding with my in-laws visit
Things in my control: not letting myself spiral into grief over something that didn’t happen, not being present in the moment but sinking back into emotions of the past, deciding to acknowledge my triggers but not allow them to control me (which is often a choice), taking good care of myself (both body and spirit), resting and helping my body heal, listening to my body, asking for help when needed
This process has been a gift to me over and over in the last few weeks. Grounding myself and showing myself grace as I consider what I can control or change, and what I can’t, has been pivotal to maintaining my baseline of mental health through a trauma. It hasn’t been seamless, and I’ve had many hard and dark moments, but it’s been an important tool in my toolbox.
Next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel overwhelm in your body and spirit, try asking yourself:
What is in my control?
What isn’t in my control?
What can I change, within my control, to care for myself well?
How can I let go of the desire to control the things not in my control, and find myself in a spirit posture of surrender?
I’ll leave you with a prayer from my current favorite prayer book, “The Lives We Actually Have” by Kate Bowler and Jess Ritchie
For When You Can’t Catch a Break
The sheer absurdity of these problems
Could almost make me laugh
Just as one trouble fades, two more appear.
Like a game of endless Whack-A-Mole
Unbeatable. Absurd.
In our desperation and flooded minds,
Blessed are we when we cry out:
God, help me,
Here,
now.
Blessed are we who look for you, oh God.
You who promise to comfort us
In our troubles,
And sing over us in the night.
You who promise to strengthen our hearts.
Blessed are we who hope…still…
That some small good might yet be done.
Yet at this moment may it be enough
Just to be.
May our eyes close, m and soften into stillness.
For God is awake.
God, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Spirit, have mercy.
Amen.
What can I control?
Thank you for sharing this. Coincidentally, I'm dealing with an ovarian cyst right now, too. Right now just waiting to see if it will heal on its own.
You are amazing and sharing this is both brave and helpful. I'm very blessed to be your friend.