Welcome to Faith in the Grey
An occasional newsletter on living life as a lover of Christ, and trying to figure everything else out
Hi, friends.
I mean, I am assuming you’re all friends because I put this behind a (low) paywall and asked nicely that you not join this community if you were interested in finding things that could be used against me in my professional life. So if you’re looking for dirt or proof of something, with all kindness, please leave. I’m doing my best to create a safe space for myself and others to process while still knee deep in mess, and be faithful to where the Lord is leading me. I need the freedom to do that; please grant me that gift.
The phrase “faith in the grey” came to me as I reflected on a spiritual direction session a few months ago. In the session, I told my director, “I didn’t think it was possible to feel such a deep connection to Christ while also being uncertain about so much of what I’ve always been told I needed to be sure about. Perhaps that’s actually the point?” It was a lightbulb moment for me; in letting go of many of the “whats” of my religion and earnestly searching for clarity by leaning into the “who” and his goodness, I found intimacy and peace, even without certainty. Faith, in the grey.
What’s been surprising and beautiful about this experience is how my faith feels deeper now than ever, even when I am sure about *less* than ever. And it makes sense, right? If I feel sure about everything, faith isn’t really a stretch. It doesn’t require risk or sacrifice. But faith when much of the “core tenets” of your belief feel fuzzy, at best? It’s brave. More mature. Requires more of you, asks you to put more on the line. And the peace that comes as faith becomes sight is all the more strengthening to that faith.
Deconstruction is the obvious buzzword that tends to accompany a journey like this, but to me, it feels incongruent to my experience. I don’t feel like I am breaking anything down to build back up. Instead, it feels like leaving a house that I lived in for years, but was never truly mine- and beginning to build my own, brick by brick. Some things will likely be the same. Others won’t be. But I’m learning for myself what the Lord stands for and what He desires of me, and “constructing” according to his leading. To me, it feels like finding a faith of my own for the very first time, and it’s not a process I want to rush.
To clarify, when I say “leaving the house,” I do *not* mean leaving the church or Christianity. It’s more like the house you were raised in, figuratively of course. We each are raised in a different “house” of beliefs, and as we become adults, we realize that maybe we don’t love wood floors and would rather have carpet. Or we think we don’t need a microwave, only to be proven wrong later. We think the drapes should be a different color, or swapped for something more modern, something that keeps up with the times.
But we also might find that we deeply love the giant oak trees in the backyard, and the antique table that hosted so many childhood meals. We love the daffodils that poke their heads out in early spring, so we plant them in our own home, too. And we decide that our parents really were on to something with their walk-in closet and double-headed shower, so we copy them exactly.
I hope I haven’t extended the metaphor too far (I have), but I want to be sure that, if we are starting this journey together, we are on the same page. I’m not leaving the church, but I am laying a lot of things out on the table to diligently pray and read and see what sticks. I’m asking God hard questions, like “how did you mean for the Bible to be read, now?” I’m seeking scholarly answers from all sides of these questions, too. I crave the thoughtful questions of others, and camaraderie on this journey, but my enneagram 9 conflict-aversion has made me extremely hesitant to engage. This is me, dipping my toes in.
I don’t have a mapped out plan for where this Substack will go, but I have some ideas. I plan to share my reading lists on different topics as I wrestle with them this year. I’ll share gentle spiritual practices that have been a gift to me in my own journey. I’ll share unfiltered reflections on whatever the Lord is teaching me at any particular time. This could be about a specific topic within religion, about expat life or international development, about friendships, community, spiritual direction, and more.
I am aiming to write at least twice a month, with weekly being the actual goal but probably not realistic. Wherever we journey together, I hope you get some good bang for your buck (literally) and that this discourse is as much of a gift to you, as you are to me.
May peace be with you as this year begins. I’m really glad you’re here.
karli
I was just talking this morning to a current missionary friend who is back on leave how I feel it is my job to spread grey in my church and to challenge the absolute.
Why living in tension and in the grey can be harder I feel it is the correct place
Hi Karli, this is Laura B-P, I'm so glad you've created this safe place to take a deep dive into faith in the grey. I've been on my own faith journey since 2014 and have expanded my beliefs beyond mainstream Christianity (through Unitarian Universalism) yet feel a deeper connection to Christ in a lot of ways. I like your house analogy a lot - in my case I did a major renovation in my house and added additions onto my house - but it can be as simple as changing the curtains or floors.
I'm really looking forward to your Substack!