Last year around this time, my spiritual director introduced me to the concept of Internal Family Systems, sometimes known as “parts therapy”. I had made an observation that I felt like my inner teenager needed some attention and healing, meaning this as a kind of metaphor. But she responded emphatically, “yes! She does! That is very real!” She recommended the book “Altogether You’ by Jenna Riersma to me, which I read a few months later. This book, and a broader knowledge of IFS, have changed the way I think about my past, how it affects my present, and what healing could and should look like moving forward.
While I highly recommend you read the book- there are some beautiful exercises included that are meant to be done at home as you read- for the sake of this post, I’ll give you a 30,000 foot overview of IFS. The idea is that there are “parts” of us that are either in control or in exile, and healing is when they all are seen and healthy and integrated. These parts can be, as I observed within myself, something like an “inner teen” or “inner child”, or they may be parts of our personality that we’ve either leaned into or ignored and shoved int he back of our minds. For example, you may have exiled the part of you that loves adventure, because a part of you that is controlled by fear and anxiety has assumed the authority in your mind. You may feel the tension of these two parts, or you may not realize it until you stop to think and pray and process these things.
How does this idea play with Christianity? Paul talks often of parts in his letters: “what I want to do, I don’t do, and what I don’t want to do, I do.” How often do we feel of two minds about something? These are warring parts, vying for our attention and fighting for control over our emotions and decision making. We all have parts, we just may not have known what to call them or how to explain them or relate to them. Again, I highly recommend reading the book if this is at all intriguing to you (and even if it isn’t, it’ll be good for you!)
My recent relapse into depressive and anxious thoughts has brought back vivid memories of other times I have struggled deeply with my mental health, specifically during my first year of marriage. Sweet, earnest, passionate 21-year old Karli just didn’t know how to handle the intense stress she found herself living in, and she fell apart- similarly to how I have in recent weeks. But she had none of the knowledge and skills and resources I have now. She was scared of therapy and didn’t think she was messed up enough for that. She got prescriptions from her PCP with literally zero care or questions. Her feelings and experiences were invalidated or painted as righteous martyrdom. It was a mess, and she deserved better.
As I discussed this seeming connection between my current struggles and those from 13 years ago, both my therapist and my spiritual director (in separate sessions, they don’t know each other and live in different countries) encouraged me to consider how my healing now might involve going back and healing some things for 21-year-old Karli. How I might be able to process things and give myself, now, what I needed then. I didn’t see a connection between then and now, but my body and brain did- and I needed to acknowledge that and dig deeper into what my spirit was telling me.
The concept is known as an “angel in the nursery,” revisiting times in your past with more kindness, compassion, and skills, and reprocessing them in your current state in an effort to graciously give that inner part of yourself healing and help that part feel seen. Sometimes this is done as a cognitive exercise, other times it can be more spiritual and meditative, where you actually imagine yourself back in those spaces, but give yourself what you needed at that time. It can be very powerful and intimately healing.
Over the next few months, I’m intentionally carving out time to pursue this healing for myself. I’m identifying times in my life when I wasn’t given what I needed, or would handle things differently based on what I know now. I’m setting aside time to pray through these situations with the Lord, and ask him how he feels about these situations. And I’m finding the space to meditate on these parts of myself and visualize giving myself what I needed then, and telling those parts of me what I wish I had known then, and that I know differently now.
Some things I am doing for myself in the next few months:
Fighting for safety and boundaries for 21-year-old Karli, whom found herself in an unsafe, stressful living situation. Telling her that her religion doesn’t demand she sacrifice her mental health on the altar of ministry, and we know better now.
Giving 24-26 year old Karli space to be really angry about the babies she lost, instead of immediately leaning into “this was God’s plan” (even if it was) for the sake of avoiding the pain, and giving her time to grieve well and deeply.
Allowing 30-year-old Karli to fully express the difficulties of living abroad and grieve and process the difficult things she witnessed in those first years.
Letting my current self express rage for the sexual harassments and assaults she has endured over the years, from the most obvious and flagrant violations to the micro-harassments that happen nearly weekly and have stolen her sense of safety.
This processing isn’t something I plan to pursue or enter into lightly, and will do so mindfully under the guidance of both my spiritual director and my therapist. But I’m clearing the time and space for it, because I want to give my past selves the time and space and healing they deserve, and heal my current self in the process. I believe this deep work, done with the Lord, is an important part of my journey in the coming year.
This is also done with an immense amount of gentleness and self care- to the point of sometimes white literally setting a timer and saying “I am diving into this for 30 minutes, and then I am not thinking about tis for the next three days.” Our parts can overwhelm us when we begin to give them attention and let them be seen. WE must be mindful to prayerfully go about this process and move with a lot of grace and intentionality.
Is this something you’ve considered, or done in your own healing journey? How have you seen the Lord heal your past selves and redeem difficult things in your life? Or how have you gone back to acknowledge and give grace to your past self in their grief and struggle?
Excited and grateful to share this journey with you,
Karli
Really excellent article. Thansk for the book recommendation. I will get it and read and probably pass it on. Keep going deep, karli. You deserve it.
I've never heard of "angel in the nursery" but it's what I've been doing for the past few years. Since becoming a parent, I've been able to revisit my past with a lot more grace. It's almost like I'm parenting myself in the way I wished I was parented and cared for. I've also been able to extend more forgiveness all around (although it's easier said than done!) I realize that having a child who is shockingly similar to me has helped!
I'll have to look into "Altogether You"!